Are You Ready for Some Football?! ...um...err...

Welllllllllll...I thought we were he was...

I guess I should preface this story with another one:

It was a dark and stormy night. 

Wait, no it wasn't. It was a sunny, September afternoon. 

I was a couple months into being a mom of 5 boys under the age of 7. And I thought to myself, 

"Self, you dumbass let's sign up the oldest two for flag football at the Y." 

Because really, it would be fun to have them learn a sport that would make their Uumpa's proud...

and to get some of that energy out running on the field, 

and push other kids for a change......just not too hard, m'kay?! 

There were practices. 

And twins in the double caravan stroller. 

And McD's french fry bribes for the middle child. 

And a crazy-eyed momma who always wonders
what in the f she got herself into.

*ahem* Me.

The practices went great! They formed lines! Took turns!
Wow! Football is fun!

Then came Game Day.

It was another beautiful fall day. 

A Sunday, because hellooooooo. It's football.  

10 seconds into the first inning period whatever game, 

the menfolk were showing these flippin' 5 year olds how to line up at the line of scrimmage or some shit. 

5 year olds.

They paired up. Crouched down. There was a ball in there somewhere. 

A whistle blew. The kids pushed to get past each other.

Someone pushed a particularly blond 5 year old.  

*ahem* Mine. 

And just like >.< THAT, 

he fell to the ground as though he'd been SHOT, 

was carried off the field, 

and was a soccer player for life. 

Until 2 weeks ago. When he asked to play football here in the new city.

There were many "Are you sure?"s and double-checking about not playing soccer.  "Dude. It's football. TACKLE football!!? As in people laying on top of you."  "I know, Mawwwwwwwwwwm. I can do it!"

Personally, I thought football would be better than baseball or soccer, cuz this boy is hard on himself when it comes to striking out or not making/stopping a goal.  Football is more fast pace...there's no time to dwell on something not happening...shake it off, move on...chest bump, and go play!  He really seemed convinced this is what he wanted to do.

So I forked out way too much friggan $$ with it being back to school time and all... the fee, got him some gear, have spent 4 nights at practice...3 of them with siblings in tow (nightmare), 2 of them with husband to help the nightmares siblings chill, and 1 night of just me.

Doing this.

I think I can handle this football mom gig.

So these practices. Just drills, running, breaking up into groups to handle 'yo bus'ness. Or whatever they do in those groups. For 2 hours. Until 8pm. Dear gawd, it's cold in Maine at 8pm in August. Can't wait for October *eyeroll*

Anywhoooooooooo. So tonight at practice came the big announcement. 

"Tomorrow is equipment assignments...then we get to start HITTING!" 

yelled the coach, and the players cheered. 

They freakin' cheered. 

Except one.

*ahem* Mine.

(you knew that was coming, huh.)

5QF--Of Mice and Moms.

In the interest of having some posts consistency around these parts, I'm participating in Mama M's

Join in here!

Ready?  *Ahem*

1. What's the one thing you buy every time you walk into the store?

That, my friends, is a trick question.  There are sooooo many sub-parts to this question...for example a) which type of store? b) who's with me? c) is it just a I-gotta-bribe-them-with-a-POStoy-from-the-dollar-store trip or d) we talking grocery shopping or fun shopping?

Nevermind. I can make this easy on us all.

ANSWER: Nothing. There is no one thing that I buy every time I walk into the store. The PROBLEM now that we moved to the biiiiig city *wink* is that every time we go to the store, we find ourselves in a drive-thru, getting an ice coffee (the mister) or frappe (me).

And that's only if we have no children in tow...because they ask everygawdforsakingDAY for us to buy them candy. Especially Gavin.  This is his "Please buy me candy, you haven't bought be candy since YESTERDAY!" face:

"Pleaseyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Mwahahahahahahaha...she said maybe. woot!"

"Go ask daddy??  I'm getting candy, I'm getting candy!"

And when all else fails, and I forget to bring him home some candy...

He just takes my frappe.
(Please excuse our hand-me-down couch in the "man cave")
(and the chicken nugget. sheesh.)

2. If you had a day all to yourself how would you spend it?

I've been in the honeymoon phase of parenting as of last September and not just because they all wipe their own ass. The youngest 2 of 5 started full day preK in our old town. Sadly, when we moved, they only had a 3 hour program here, but I took all the free time I could get didn't mind. I found myself in Target and Christmas Tree Shops a lot. Or out to eat a hot breakfast and neglect my gym membership. 

In 12 days and 9 hours (who's counting?) (me, that's who!!!), they start Kindergarten *faux dramatic sob* and all 5 will be back in school full days. And I'll probably be trying to find a part-time gig  back to neglecting my gym membership, whilst frolicking through stores shopping alone and not sharing my frappe...and maybe a side of water zumba {sidebar: have you done water zumba?  Likes? Dislike? It'll be my 1st time}  

3. Are you a speed limit driver? If not, over or under?

Over baby. Well, not so much over that it's criminal or unsafe...but I've got places to be {like the gawdforsaking orthodontist} and too many personalities men in my little van to be in it longer than I have to be.  I remember my freshman math teacher once said she traveled "3 under 10 over" the speed limit, which still echoes in my head sometimes, idk why always stuck with me. Weirdness.  "In town" though, I'm a speed limit driver. I save my extra 7 mph for the highway :)

4. What's your favorite dessert to make, homemade or from a mix??

I don't have one. More weirdness, I know!  My favorite dessert is pretty much ohhhhh, y'know...any.  I like to MAKE monkey munch or "trash" (crispix with choc and powder sugar) and could eat pumpkin chocolate chip cookies all winter long.  Rice Krispie treats piss me off (to make), especially when they come out all stale. But a chocolate cream pie is easy peasy to whip up (and the mister's favorite)! So basically, my answer would be: easy ones.

5. Would you rather have a spider or a mouse scurry across your face (no copping out and saying "neither!!")?

OMFG. I have a funny mouse story here. I guess if I have to choose, I'd *gulp* prefer a mouse scurry across my face than a spider; for several reasons. 1)I wouldn't have to worry about a mouse crawling up my nose or 2)laying eggs up there and 3)given the mouse:face size ratio...they will scurry across said face much more quickly and 4)*shudder*

I'm the kind of person who sees a bug, then feels a piece of hair tickle my arm and flips out calmly brushes that area, thinking there is a bug there.  It's a subtle move, really...one which I've perfected over the years.  It's like a brush/grab and then (and this is an important part:) wipe it on furniture, a pantleg, or the nearest child grass.

DUDE! 
(May I call you Dude?)

DUDE! One night a few weeks ago, I was settling down in bed when the opportunity arose to do the brush/grab/wipe off of a piece of hair that I felt on my forehead.  The brush/grab went great, but when I wiped on the sheet beside me, SOMETHING ROLLED UNDER MY FINGERS.

*commence freakout*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THERE WAS JUST A SPIDER ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP! OMG IS THERE MORE IN MY HAIR? CHECK MY HAIR. EWWWWWWWW. OMG OMG WHERE WAS IT GOING?!?! WHAT IF IT WENT UP MY NOSE?!"

My hero The mister turns on the light, and there on the wall was the arachnid's accomplice. We are not talking about one of those teeeeeeeeny jumping spiders who look like their mama jumped the web to mate with a bumble bee, nor a small-bodied daddy long legs.  Oh nooooooo. This motherlover was honkin'!  And I had his guts on my hand sheet to prove it.

After some xanax cleanup, flushing of the other spider, and me making him check my hair 472 a few times, the mister finally shut off the light and I tossed and twitched all night because HELLOOO there was just a spider on my forehead for cripes sake?!! we went to sleep. 

*twitch*

New Neighbor Etiquette

As I mentioned, we moved a few months ago. We were renting for 11 years and had outgrown our town pad, and it was time.  We chose a larger home in the city to rent, and have not looked back.  I love being close to all the amenities, and more that a city has to offer, versus cow country the small town we came from.  But there's one thing we've yet to do......

Befriend the neighbors.

It's not for lack of wanting to. I do. But I don't honestly think it's MY place to invade them just pop in and do what exactly? Hand them a stale banana bread  muffin and be all, "Heyyyyyyyyyy."  I'm no Bree VanderKamp. And I guess they aren't either.  I think I read somewhere, the "established neighbor" should make the first move contact. Jesus, what is this, an episode of Mr. Rogers?  Now that horrible song is in my head.

At this point...4 months later, it's kind of pointless anyway, no?  I really want to know what you think!  I don't need a basket of pastries, just a hello and a drinking buddy friendly face.  Let's be honest. If they dropped by tomorrow, they'd be lucky if I have pants on. Maybe it's for the best.  

Just wait 'til the house on the other side sells! I'm gonna annoy welcome the shit out of them. 

Ahhhh, Summer.

is in full swing here in Maine. 

The boys and I have been exploring the state (<-- link to my new, more PC blog about Maine...less Penises, more trees) and enjoying the weather.

Did you know we moved a few months ago?

From this...

to this...

The city baby!! Woot!

There's a park and pool on our street.  The kids WALK to school (it's only a few houses up) and...

wait for it...

I can get them off to school and be inside Target by 8:22am.

This is heaven, y'all!

We are doing alot this summer, but are also having a lot of "home" days. And by home, I mean pool ;)

There are lifeguards, who the boys have charmed...

Off-duty LG pulling them around

Another playing frisbee with them

 As much as we enjoy the pool, I gotta say...I'm completely shocked by the ignorance of some parents who take their kids there. The rules are simple: no diving, no food or drink, and noone under the age of 12 may swim without a parent with them.  There are 2 lifeguards on duty, clean bathrooms/facilities, and it's FREE!!

Yes, there's a fence, and people who know CPR...

But it's not a freakin' DAY CARE, people!  

I actually said that to someone one day, after a visibly inhibited father left his 6yr old there for 1.5 hours.  When he got back, the lifeguards confronted him (as harshly as timid teenage girls can), and he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought he was safe here with you."  He IS safe here, they are LIFEGUARDS, but it's not a daycare, dude.

I've seen multiple people get their kids in the water, then go to their car for a smoke...or to play bball on the court, or walk a few blocks (way out of sight) down to a fastfood restaurant.  WTH people. 

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to people watch, and this is a prime location to do so (note: do not leave home without sunglasses!)

We go quite frequently, and there are some other "regulars." If you ask the lifeguards, we are probably considered regulars ourselves. There's the single mom with cute girls who are always so surprised to *gasp* get WET from splashing kids in the pool.  The rotten boy who can't share the toy he's got, but oooh, can he have what you have?  (Answer: Nope.)  One of my least favorites, is the dude with the BAD haircut who wears his wife's shorts (they've GOTTA be hers...there is NO room for his, um...junk). And quite frequently, I'm annoyed by this one dad who is quite mean to his kids.  Not that I don't harp on my own to stop acting up (Do you KNOW how many times I yell, "Hands OFF!" omw. Too many).

Recently, though, mean dad was not-so-mean dad, playing with his kids...singing silly songs, dancing to the radio, playing pocket pool  with them.  He was incredibly thirsty that day, too.  Here's a tip.  If you want to try to pass off some hard alcohol in a child's size McD's cup...a) use the cover and straw and b) just go ahead and spring for the LARGE cup, cuz when you and your backpack disappear to change in the bathroom, and your small, coverless cup comes back miraculously full...well...it doesn't take a lifeguard  rocket scientist to figure out what's going on, there buddy.

It's hard to decide what to do when you witness something like that.  Well, it wouldn't have been THAT hard if I had seen him DRIVE up with those kids, but I knew he walked here with them from another neighborhood (hence the thirst, ha). So I didn't (but definitely would) have to step in before he got behind the wheel.  He called his wife for a ride home.  I made sure the lifeguards saw the magic full cup trick (they had), and haven't seen him there since.   

Would you have done anything differently?  Or just ditched your own kids there and walked to the bar for a drink.  All your friends are doing it. ;) There's always tomorrow...

*kidding*