5QF--Of Mice and Moms.

In the interest of having some posts consistency around these parts, I'm participating in Mama M's

Join in here!

Ready?  *Ahem*

1. What's the one thing you buy every time you walk into the store?

That, my friends, is a trick question.  There are sooooo many sub-parts to this question...for example a) which type of store? b) who's with me? c) is it just a I-gotta-bribe-them-with-a-POStoy-from-the-dollar-store trip or d) we talking grocery shopping or fun shopping?

Nevermind. I can make this easy on us all.

ANSWER: Nothing. There is no one thing that I buy every time I walk into the store. The PROBLEM now that we moved to the biiiiig city *wink* is that every time we go to the store, we find ourselves in a drive-thru, getting an ice coffee (the mister) or frappe (me).

And that's only if we have no children in tow...because they ask everygawdforsakingDAY for us to buy them candy. Especially Gavin.  This is his "Please buy me candy, you haven't bought be candy since YESTERDAY!" face:

"Pleaseyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Mwahahahahahahaha...she said maybe. woot!"

"Go ask daddy??  I'm getting candy, I'm getting candy!"

And when all else fails, and I forget to bring him home some candy...

He just takes my frappe.
(Please excuse our hand-me-down couch in the "man cave")
(and the chicken nugget. sheesh.)

2. If you had a day all to yourself how would you spend it?

I've been in the honeymoon phase of parenting as of last September and not just because they all wipe their own ass. The youngest 2 of 5 started full day preK in our old town. Sadly, when we moved, they only had a 3 hour program here, but I took all the free time I could get didn't mind. I found myself in Target and Christmas Tree Shops a lot. Or out to eat a hot breakfast and neglect my gym membership. 

In 12 days and 9 hours (who's counting?) (me, that's who!!!), they start Kindergarten *faux dramatic sob* and all 5 will be back in school full days. And I'll probably be trying to find a part-time gig  back to neglecting my gym membership, whilst frolicking through stores shopping alone and not sharing my frappe...and maybe a side of water zumba {sidebar: have you done water zumba?  Likes? Dislike? It'll be my 1st time}  

3. Are you a speed limit driver? If not, over or under?

Over baby. Well, not so much over that it's criminal or unsafe...but I've got places to be {like the gawdforsaking orthodontist} and too many personalities men in my little van to be in it longer than I have to be.  I remember my freshman math teacher once said she traveled "3 under 10 over" the speed limit, which still echoes in my head sometimes, idk why always stuck with me. Weirdness.  "In town" though, I'm a speed limit driver. I save my extra 7 mph for the highway :)

4. What's your favorite dessert to make, homemade or from a mix??

I don't have one. More weirdness, I know!  My favorite dessert is pretty much ohhhhh, y'know...any.  I like to MAKE monkey munch or "trash" (crispix with choc and powder sugar) and could eat pumpkin chocolate chip cookies all winter long.  Rice Krispie treats piss me off (to make), especially when they come out all stale. But a chocolate cream pie is easy peasy to whip up (and the mister's favorite)! So basically, my answer would be: easy ones.

5. Would you rather have a spider or a mouse scurry across your face (no copping out and saying "neither!!")?

OMFG. I have a funny mouse story here. I guess if I have to choose, I'd *gulp* prefer a mouse scurry across my face than a spider; for several reasons. 1)I wouldn't have to worry about a mouse crawling up my nose or 2)laying eggs up there and 3)given the mouse:face size ratio...they will scurry across said face much more quickly and 4)*shudder*

I'm the kind of person who sees a bug, then feels a piece of hair tickle my arm and flips out calmly brushes that area, thinking there is a bug there.  It's a subtle move, really...one which I've perfected over the years.  It's like a brush/grab and then (and this is an important part:) wipe it on furniture, a pantleg, or the nearest child grass.

DUDE! 
(May I call you Dude?)

DUDE! One night a few weeks ago, I was settling down in bed when the opportunity arose to do the brush/grab/wipe off of a piece of hair that I felt on my forehead.  The brush/grab went great, but when I wiped on the sheet beside me, SOMETHING ROLLED UNDER MY FINGERS.

*commence freakout*

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THERE WAS JUST A SPIDER ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP! OMG IS THERE MORE IN MY HAIR? CHECK MY HAIR. EWWWWWWWW. OMG OMG WHERE WAS IT GOING?!?! WHAT IF IT WENT UP MY NOSE?!"

My hero The mister turns on the light, and there on the wall was the arachnid's accomplice. We are not talking about one of those teeeeeeeeny jumping spiders who look like their mama jumped the web to mate with a bumble bee, nor a small-bodied daddy long legs.  Oh nooooooo. This motherlover was honkin'!  And I had his guts on my hand sheet to prove it.

After some xanax cleanup, flushing of the other spider, and me making him check my hair 472 a few times, the mister finally shut off the light and I tossed and twitched all night because HELLOOO there was just a spider on my forehead for cripes sake?!! we went to sleep. 

*twitch*

The one where I scar my kid for life...

I'm a horrible mother. I may have scarred my kid for like, a whole hour life.

In my defense.........

I hate going to the orthodontist with 4 extra kids in tow. And since it IS still summer vacation 'round these parts...that's what I and the receptionist suffered through did today.

2 hours before everyone has been getting up on their own in the morning.

With an hour drive to get there.

I know.

Also in my defense 

(I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that a lot today)

I didn't bring the flippin' dinosaur toys...they were already there! 

Provided by satan the practice.

There were enough to go around...but my 

do-I-seriously-have-to-share-this-freakin-dino-with-him-I've-been-sharing-my-shit-all-summer? 

spawn children found ways to mess that up too.

There was: 

roaring.

And fighting

(in the form of pushing each other--dino--off the wooden comment box)

Dying and eating the flesh of others 

(the dinos, not the kids...this time).

Shooshing. Lots and lots of shooshing

(by me).

And there was "pooping out of eggs."

Whattya want from me? They saw their dog "poop out" puppies one day, and have yet to ask where babies come from for realz. Hopefully it'll come up before they are fathers older. 

If not? meh.

At least they got the egg part right.

(Thanks Dino Dan!)

Anywho. The one joy I can take away from these orthodontist visits...

besides, y'know...straight teeth and such...

is when they put one of these doohickeys:

into here:

leaving your kid looking all like one of these:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I am telling y'all, there is no greater joy.

I took a picture of him (hence the scarring for life),

which he L'd his AO when he showed his Dad at dinner...

but can Mom go making a side-by-side collage of the aforementioned pic and those Sing-a-ma-jigs?

Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well, yes, actually, she did can, but he was all traumatized that I had put it on facebook already.

*cough* almost did. *cough*

And since I don't need to bring 4 kids to wait in a therapist's waiting room 

a therapy bill,

I won't post it here either.

:(

But I will snag one from google images of someone else's kid who probably cried for days  hates his mom  married his therapist cuz it was cheaper than paying for 50 min each week 

forgot all about this pic...

No children were harmed in the publishing of this photo. Well, not at my house anyway.

So, that was my morning before 11am.

It wasn't all bad though, while at the orthodontist's...

I did get to sit on Kevin Costner's face.

No actors were harmed in the taking of this photo unless you count in my dreams.

The Day I Became a Biker Bitch Cliche

This weekend was a rare one for the Mister and I.  An overnight away from my many men, in a hotel, on the motorcycle!  What?! Oh yeah. And I became a biker bitch cliche.  Wanna know how?  Keep reading...

But first, some pics!

I prefer this kind of biking...not that!

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

We had amazing weather for the climb up Mt. Washington. (and by climb, I mean DRIVE up MW on the motorcycles; because what am I, nuts? who would want to hike the 8-10 miles up a mountain?! HUNDREDS of people, that's who! You should have seen the crazy bastards cars lined up along the roadside, with children in tow, even!)

We only knew one person in the group of bikes we were in, but quickly became friends with the rest! Bikers people too, y'know ;) We look forward to riding with them again!

The temp at the bottom! Sofa king hot. But it was a breezy 66 degrees up top!

There aren't any guardrails on the 7-8 mile loop up the Mt. Washington Auto Road. Just rocks...

Majestic views that aren't done justice by these pics.

And in some spots...there is lack of rocks!

Going uppppppppppp!

The mountains go on forever

Objects in the mirror may enjoy taking self portraits ;)

The Mister and the mountains

I'd much rather climb this on a bike than in a car!  There's barely enough room for 2 cars to pass

Back on the ride down...

Yes, honey, I see that's the lodge we started at, now get your gawdforsaking hand back on the bars!!

A quick stop for some pics of me. His idea. *faints* I never have pics of me! 

On the way home, we separated from the group of bikers (helloooo, it was New Hampshire and momma wanted to shop...though I was restricted to purchasing the capacity of the saddlebags :/ But we made out at the Aeropostale outlet! $2.99 and 4.99 tees), and it was on the highway while doing 80 the speed limit, that I learned an important lesson:

I already knew texting and driving is dangerous, but texting while riding on the back of a motorcycle is equally hazardous (to other drivers...) because as you are paying attention to your phone, your shirt flies up around your neck, so you try to pull down what you think is the aforementioned shirt (not looking away from the phone screen), only to end up pulling down your cami instead.  So there you are, shirt up, cami down, leaving a couple boobs things flapping in the breeze that shouldn't be.

In other news, that guy from Arizona, who passed us, gives Maine's hospitality 2 thumbs up...

And here's my favorite pic...climbing down the mountain.

No boundaries. Love it.

Badass biker wannabe momma bahahahahahahaha

Speaking of badass...can't wait for Sept. 11!!

Sons of Anarchy

Do you watch?! Do you ride motorcycles? What's your favorite destination on bikes? and even if you don't ride...suggestions for a road trip?!

5QF-- Vibrators + Olympians all in one post. Nice.

In the interest of having some posts consistency around these parts, I'm participating in Mama M's

Join in here!

Ready?  *Ahem*

Q1. What's the funniest thing you've seen on facebook/twitter this week?

Y'know, I have to say, the twits peeps I follow on twitter are the funniest people on the planet.  I reserve my retweets for hilariously witty posts, wicked smahhhhht (that's my Maine-ah voice) ideas, and links to posts that I want to read at a later time.  I see so many funny things on twitter, so I'll share one I've seen in the past hour...or 57 minutes to be exact:

@kimcormack: I totally just saw a butterfly with a tattoo of a slut on its back #facts

Bwahahahahaha! Still funn-ay, even 58 minutes later.

Imma show you something funny from facebook, too...but FAIR WARNING:  It's naughty.  So if you're not into that (which really, come'on, you clicked on a blog with the P word in it...), then cover your eyes and click the down arrow like 17 times. Ready?

You have to admit, that's pretty freaking clever.  Anywhoooooooooo...

Q2. What is your favorite Olympic Event?

What a strategically timed question that is, eh? hehe. I'm a couch potato not athletic, but I much prefer the Winter games to the Summer ones.  The luge is exciting, that super long skiing jumpy thing where they catch huge air is great too, oh and speed skating is fun to watch.  That being said, if I had to choose a favorite Summer game, it would be gymnastics.  Those athletes are so young! And talented! and poised! and muscular!  They amaze me. 

Please excuse me while I go off on a tangent here But I gotta say...the REAL heroes of the Olympic games? The parents. Well, yes, the athletes are amazeballs, I mean, they do the twirling, jumping, flipping stuff, but everyone of them wouldn't be there if it wasn't for a parent/guardian recognizing or even just SUPPORTING their talent/love for their sport early on in their very young lives.  The parents did the early a.m. wakeups, the driving a bazillion (give or take) miles to the gym/pool, the packing of the right leotards, the hairbraiding, and hell, the paying for all the lessons. Those are their babies out there in that water or on that beam.  Their own blood, sweat (I guess, if it's tennis they gotta watch), and tears are poured into their children...those are their babayyyyyys out there on that mat.  What an out-of-this-world proud moment that must be.

I have a swim mom and a gymnast mom that are friends of mine on ye 'ole FB.  One is local, one I met at Mom Congress.  I see their "check-ins" that were posted from the pool HOURS before I even thought of cracking an eyelid open; and their weeks at competitions that are out of state...their whole family's lives are put on hold so that their children can do what they love, and dream to do.  It's so inspiring and beautiful to watch. tear-filled rant over

Q3. a)Do your kids do chores around the house? {I skipped parts b) and c) here because DAMMIT! They don't apply}  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! This is an ongoing battle that I start and stop multiple times throughout the year.  Currently, my children are not "assigned" chores.  Will they empty this dishwasher or switch the laundry over if I tell them to? They damn well better if they ever want to touch that game controller again Yes, but not without equal parts complaining and trying to rationalize why another sibling should be doing it. And just this week, they've been clearing their plates off the table, usually after some yelling reminders.  All that took was the kitten shitting on one of them twice getting an upset stomach from eating the food.  I'm lazy inspired by the chore charts and cutesy magnets I see on pinterest. I guess it's time!!! I'm very much looking forward to reading everyone else's answers!

Q4. If you get bad food/service, do you complain or keep quiet?

If somethings not right with a food order, or if something is undercooked, like a steak, then yes...I'll say something.  I wouldn't label that as complaining...just bringing it to their attention and asking for it to be rectified, in a discreet manner.  Usually I'm more apologetic than them, to keep them running, but you get what you pay for! Having been "in the biz," the staff is FULLY aware when they aren't being attentive enough. If a waiter/waitress is rude, though, I'll hit 'em where it hurts...the tip. 

Q5. If you could pick one frivolous item for your home, what would it be?

More welcoming neighbors? haha jk. Ummmmmmmmmm...since we are renting, I can't do any MAJOR changes...so how's about a 24 foot pontoon boat for the driveway??!  YES PLEASE!  Momma wants to go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmotorboatin'!!

Well, this was fun!! I look forward to reading everyone else's replies as well.  Link up!

New Neighbor Etiquette

As I mentioned, we moved a few months ago. We were renting for 11 years and had outgrown our town pad, and it was time.  We chose a larger home in the city to rent, and have not looked back.  I love being close to all the amenities, and more that a city has to offer, versus cow country the small town we came from.  But there's one thing we've yet to do......

Befriend the neighbors.

It's not for lack of wanting to. I do. But I don't honestly think it's MY place to invade them just pop in and do what exactly? Hand them a stale banana bread  muffin and be all, "Heyyyyyyyyyy."  I'm no Bree VanderKamp. And I guess they aren't either.  I think I read somewhere, the "established neighbor" should make the first move contact. Jesus, what is this, an episode of Mr. Rogers?  Now that horrible song is in my head.

At this point...4 months later, it's kind of pointless anyway, no?  I really want to know what you think!  I don't need a basket of pastries, just a hello and a drinking buddy friendly face.  Let's be honest. If they dropped by tomorrow, they'd be lucky if I have pants on. Maybe it's for the best.  

Just wait 'til the house on the other side sells! I'm gonna annoy welcome the shit out of them. 

WW-- Tools of the Trade.

What? You don't have one of these in your bathroom? Tsk. Tsk.

Ahhhh, Summer.

is in full swing here in Maine. 

The boys and I have been exploring the state (<-- link to my new, more PC blog about Maine...less Penises, more trees) and enjoying the weather.

Did you know we moved a few months ago?

From this...

to this...

The city baby!! Woot!

There's a park and pool on our street.  The kids WALK to school (it's only a few houses up) and...

wait for it...

I can get them off to school and be inside Target by 8:22am.

This is heaven, y'all!

We are doing alot this summer, but are also having a lot of "home" days. And by home, I mean pool ;)

There are lifeguards, who the boys have charmed...

Off-duty LG pulling them around

Another playing frisbee with them

 As much as we enjoy the pool, I gotta say...I'm completely shocked by the ignorance of some parents who take their kids there. The rules are simple: no diving, no food or drink, and noone under the age of 12 may swim without a parent with them.  There are 2 lifeguards on duty, clean bathrooms/facilities, and it's FREE!!

Yes, there's a fence, and people who know CPR...

But it's not a freakin' DAY CARE, people!  

I actually said that to someone one day, after a visibly inhibited father left his 6yr old there for 1.5 hours.  When he got back, the lifeguards confronted him (as harshly as timid teenage girls can), and he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought he was safe here with you."  He IS safe here, they are LIFEGUARDS, but it's not a daycare, dude.

I've seen multiple people get their kids in the water, then go to their car for a smoke...or to play bball on the court, or walk a few blocks (way out of sight) down to a fastfood restaurant.  WTH people. 

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to people watch, and this is a prime location to do so (note: do not leave home without sunglasses!)

We go quite frequently, and there are some other "regulars." If you ask the lifeguards, we are probably considered regulars ourselves. There's the single mom with cute girls who are always so surprised to *gasp* get WET from splashing kids in the pool.  The rotten boy who can't share the toy he's got, but oooh, can he have what you have?  (Answer: Nope.)  One of my least favorites, is the dude with the BAD haircut who wears his wife's shorts (they've GOTTA be hers...there is NO room for his, um...junk). And quite frequently, I'm annoyed by this one dad who is quite mean to his kids.  Not that I don't harp on my own to stop acting up (Do you KNOW how many times I yell, "Hands OFF!" omw. Too many).

Recently, though, mean dad was not-so-mean dad, playing with his kids...singing silly songs, dancing to the radio, playing pocket pool  with them.  He was incredibly thirsty that day, too.  Here's a tip.  If you want to try to pass off some hard alcohol in a child's size McD's cup...a) use the cover and straw and b) just go ahead and spring for the LARGE cup, cuz when you and your backpack disappear to change in the bathroom, and your small, coverless cup comes back miraculously full...well...it doesn't take a lifeguard  rocket scientist to figure out what's going on, there buddy.

It's hard to decide what to do when you witness something like that.  Well, it wouldn't have been THAT hard if I had seen him DRIVE up with those kids, but I knew he walked here with them from another neighborhood (hence the thirst, ha). So I didn't (but definitely would) have to step in before he got behind the wheel.  He called his wife for a ride home.  I made sure the lifeguards saw the magic full cup trick (they had), and haven't seen him there since.   

Would you have done anything differently?  Or just ditched your own kids there and walked to the bar for a drink.  All your friends are doing it. ;) There's always tomorrow...

*kidding*